Are You Bad With Money?
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you’re being miserable.”
When talking with people about their money decisions, one thing I frequently hear is:
“I think I'm just bad with money."
Oooo. So much there.
"I think" = The ticker that is constantly running in the back of my brain.
"I am bad" = This is not just about me *acting* bad. This is who I am.
"With money" = An unavoidable medium of exchange that I have to constantly deal with.
All of it together = A recipe for shame.
As Brene Brown defines it, shame is:
“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.”
Hm.
"I think I am bad with money”
...actually sounds a lot like...
"I believe that I am flawed when it comes to money"
Taking it a step farther, I've also found often, when people struggle with the belief that they are bad with money, they also have a difficult time naming financial goals for themselves.
Why is that?
Based on Brene's definition above, it seems reasonable to conclude that it's potentially tied to feelings of unworthiness with regards to the things that they have seen money do for others who are better at managing it.
If any of this resonates with you, I want you to know you're not alone. Shame is something we all deal with, in various forms. Parenting, health, finances, body differences, education, neurodivergences, aging, societal class differences, cultural differences...it's everywhere people are.
And because I believe shame is one of the main barriers to people finding their way forward with their money situation, I want to give you a few ideas on how to deal with shame, specifically as it regards to your financial identity.
1. Find Your Money Triggers
Your money triggers are the topics that connect with insecurities you have about money. An easy way to find your money triggers are to think of the money conversations that might immediately cause an emotional reaction. In many cases, these are tied to experiences you had as a child or young adult, that helped to develop your thoughts/attitudes/beliefs about money.
2. Identify Your Default Reaction(s)
There are four main types of reactions: fight, flight, freeze and fawn.
Fighting might look like lashing out against your partner after opening up your joint bank account and finding that is missing several hundred dollars due to a spontaneous shopping spree.
Flighting might look like avoiding the action items necessary to correct a financial mistake.
Freezing might look like shutting out your partner emotionally after s/he questions a recent purchase you made.
Fawning might look like overcompensating for one bad financial decision by setting up a rigid, unsustainable budget for yourself going forward.
At the end of the day, these reactions are simply a knee-jerk response to a money trigger, fueled by emotions that are deeply embedded in your past experiences.
The important thing to remember is this: those reactions may have been self-preserving and therefore important for helping you survive to this point; and they likely will become the thing that keeps you from moving forward, if you don’t learn how to identify and manage them more effectively.
3. Develop Your Money Worthiness
Money worthiness is the conviction that you (already) are good enough today -- right now, as you are -- to manage your money wisely and accomplish your financial goals.
According to The Gifts of Imperfection, worthiness takes the shape of four principles:
→ Accept Yourself Unconditionally
No matter what financial mistakes you make, believe in your ability to learn and grow and do better next time. "I am a good money manager who made a bad choice" - vs - "I am a bad money manager."
If you struggle with this step, consider setting up a regular coffee talk with a mentor or friend. Creating a habit of communication with others around the topic of unconditional acceptance is a fantastic way to keep tabs on your self talk, especially as it relates to money.
→ Reject the idea that being "enough" = adhering to societal norms
You will never be "enough" of someone that you were not meant to be. Stop trying to measure your money goodness against someone else's life and standards and goals. Your money goals are your money goals. If you don't need a million dollars in the bank in order to love your life, then you don't need a million dollars in the bank in order to love your life.
→ Stop trying to use work (or money) as a substitute for worthiness
"Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable."
Doing more (or having more) doesn't make you more of a person.
Or more worthy of someone else's love and attention.
If more money isn't unlocking more happiness for you, it might be time to pause and reconnect with who you are and what truly makes you come alive and feel most worthy.
→ Believe that you are worthy of love and belonging
Believing that you are worthy of love and belonging, no matter what your net worth shows, frees you to show up as your best self within the midst of your community.
Showing up as your best self is the key to unlocking joy, maximizing potential, and creating opportunities for yourself and the members in your community (family, friends, etc) to share and multiply resources.
Believing in your worth is the catalyst for an abundant life.
If anything about today's newsletter left you thinking, "Uh, Jess...I thought this was going to be a newsletter on how to build wealth," I want to leave you with this:
There is no better way to improve your lifelong wealth-building skills than to improve your thoughts, attitudes and beliefs about money.
There are easier ways, sure. And there are hacks.
But as Jim Rohn states in an oft-quoted blog, "Success is easy. But so is neglect." He goes on to talk about how things that are easy to do are also the things that are easy to not do.
The danger for many people, when it comes to managing finances, is that the action items are actually, in fact, quite easy to do. The problem, then, is that they have incorrect thinking patterns, hindering attitudes, and unhelpful beliefs about themselves and how they might be able to complete those action items. And so they neglect to take action.
Make sure you're signed up for the newsletter, so that you can be right back here, the same time and place next week, for my "Top 10 Money Thinkers" newsletter - where I'll share who I believe are ten of the best thinkers when it comes to managing money and building wealth, and what we can learn from them.
Thanks for reading!
~Jess
P.S. Do you have a Money Trigger, Default Reaction, or Money Worthiness question or comment you'd like to share? If so, I'd love to hear it! You can send me a message here - I read every single response 🙏
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